From the desk of: Stuart

Cinco de Mayo

The translation of the phrase Cinco De Mayo is “Let’s get drunk. Early. All day. On tequila. And let’s eat burritos and steal hubcaps.” At one time in history it had some significance and the translation was a more literal “Fifth of May” but time erodes and culture corrupts and the boys of summer might as well be the sons of springs blue agave and black beans.

The holiday originally began as a day to celebrate the Mexican victory over the French Army in the Battle at Puebla in the year of our lord, 1862. There was indeed a reason to celebrate. The Mexican army at 4,000 strong was half the size of Napoleons forces. They were the Alexander Karelin to Mexico’s Rulon Gardner. It was a true upset.

A great victory and one that was worth celebrating. Who among us would like the French to be living a whole lot closer? Light crappy beer garnished with citrus fruits is what speaks to me about everything south of the Rio Grande; not wine and cheese. The last thing we need as a nation is cheese being cooked under the hot Mexican sun, with the smell slowly drifting north.

The problem is that the victory and it’s following celebration were fleeting. Though Mexico defeated Napoleon in the battle at Puebla, they lost the war 13 months later and Mexico City fell under French (booooo!) rule.

At the same time that all this was going on, America was up to its eyes in a little thing called the Civil War. The Battle at Gettysburg solidified a union victory just months after Napoleon secured Mexico. Confederate troops in Mexico were disbanded provided that they would assist the Mexican army in their attempts to repel the French. This worked and American troops were a substantial part of the victory celebration in Mexico City after the execution of the toppled monarchy. It is believed that these troops returned home with a celebration called “Cinco De Mayo.” Today this holiday has become a great excuse for people all over the world to drink tequila for a day. An entire day. And I’ll start at 10:00am. On Friday.

I’ve also decided to tag this post as “States” because Mexico, like Canada, is really just more of a state than a separate country. Thanks, NATO!

Happy independence, Mexico! What a fantastic time of year. Remember Ecclesiastes 3:4? “There’s a time to cry, a time to laugh, and a time to drink tequila.” Yup, that sounds about right.

Reverend Horton Heat – Cinco de Mayo
Liz Phair – Cinco de Mayo
Herb Alpert & the Tijuana Brass – Numero Cinco
Jimmy Buffet – Cinco de Mayo in Memphis
War – Cinco de Mayo
Lil Rob – Cinco de Mayo
El Vez – Cinco de Mayo

…and don’t give me any shit about the Liz Phair. Sometimes you just have to go with what’s out there. We honestly don’t need another reason to drink Tequila — usually the sun coming up or the sun going down are excuse enough — but if those aren’t good enough for your AA sponsors then point out that listening to Liz Phair while sober is much more dangerous than piloting a bus load of 3rd graders through a top-secret, underground zombie laboratory after drinking a case of Jack Daniels and shooting mikes hard lemonade directly into your veins.

Also worth noting that this is Stu and I’s first collaborative post. Anywhere up above where it says I or We or we otherwise fucked up, just ignore it and drink some more tequila. ARRIBA!