Stuart Explains Television: ShamWow.
I have a unique relationship with television. Having lived most of my life without one, I am more easily transfixed by flashy graphics and fast talk. Most people that know me are aware of this.
This also brings up my fascination with commercials. I like to think there is a dialog between myself and the television. I often talk to the person on the screen and answer rhetorical questions – this make commercials either a) somewhat sensible or; b) all the more ridiculous. I question the advertising team’s motives behind characters, and try to decipher the wording and the script. Why is the Nasonex (R) spokesperson a bee, and why does he have a terrible Spanish accent? I get the obvious bee/pollen/allergy connection, but the accent? Is Nasonex (R) able to alleviate allergy symptoms AND sex you up Antonio Banderas-style?
Here is my latest: ShamWow. i give this commercial 5/5 “head-ons,” for an exceptional level of annoying.
Transcript (italics are for my response):
Vince: Hi, it’s Vince with ShamWow.
Me: Hi Vince!
Vince: You’ll be saying “Wow” every time you use this towel. It’s like a shammy, it’s like a towel, it’s like a sponge. A regular towel doesn’t work wet; this works wet or dry. This is for the house, the car, the boat, the RV. ShamWow holds twenty times it’s weight in liquid. Look at it! It just does the work! Why do you want to work twice as hard?
Me: If I have to work twice as hard, I just don’t work at all.
Vince: Doesn’t drip, doesn’t make a mess… wring it out. You wash it in the washing machine. Made in Germany – you know the German’s always make good stuff.
Me: Like national socialism?
Vince: You can cut it in half – use one as a bath mat, drain dishes with the other one, use one as a towel.
Me: That’s three halves, Vince. Better brush up on our 4th grade math.
Vince: Olympic divers use it as a towel. Look at that – completely dry [wipes arm].
Me: You must be sweaty as hell if your arm was wet AT ALL.
Vince: Put a wet sweater [on it], roll it up – it dries your sweaters. Here’s some cola. Wine, coffee, cola, pet stains…
Me: Unless it holds an entire box of wine, it’s of absolutely no use to me.
Vince: Not only is the damage going to be on top – there’s your mildew – that is going to smell.
Me: You’re right. After spilling cola or wine on my carpet, I would be crazy not to spray it with something. I’ll just suck 90% of it out with a towel, and live with the rotting stench and obvious stain.
Vince: See that? Now we’re going to do this in real time. Look at this – put it on the spill, turn it over – without even putting any pressure, fifty percent of the cola – right there. You following me camera guy?
Me: What is he, retarded? You’re standing in one place. Except for your overly enthusiastic shrugging, I think he’s got it well in hand. This is the type of job robots should be doing.
Vince: The other fifty percent – the color – starts to come up. No other towel is going to do that. It acts like a vacuum, and – look at this – virtually dry on the bottom. See what I’m telling ya? ShamWow – you’ll be saying “wow” every time.
Me: Terrible tag-line.
[people talking about their ShamWows]
“I can’t live without it! I just love it!”
“Oh my gosh. I don’t even buy paper towels anymore.”
“If you’re going to wash your car or any type of vehicle, you’d be out of your mind not to own one of these.”
“All I can say is – Sham-WOW.”
Me: What has Vince done to you? I hope it didn’t involve any probing.
[Back to Vince]
Vince:You’re going to spend twenty dollars a month on paper towels anyway.
Me: Maybe $5, tops.
Vince: You’re throwing money away.
Me: No I’m not
Vince: The mini ShamWows are for everything – everyday use.
Me: If that’s for everything, why do you get different sizes?
Vince: This lasts ten years, this lasts a week [holds up sponge]. I dunno – it sells itself.
Me: Why are you here then, genius? Take your hands-free mic and get the hell off my TV.
[Ordering information]
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I explain: ShamWow is a towel. It holds more water than a paper towel. This is amazing, but not if you have to soak up oil, harsh cleaning products, or the leftovers from last night’s hedonistic blowout. You will still end up having to keep paper towels around for things you just don’t want to re-use.
Buy this, and you are retarded.
November 12th, 2008
Stuart Explains Television: Scifi Reality?
From http://www.unamerican.com/
I’m going to spell this out. Sci-fi stands for Science Fiction. With this fresh in mind – the only television station with FICTION in it’s name is premiering two new reality television shows. While I’m aware that reality television is scripted enough to only be borderline realistic, there is one thing I’m certain of: There are not nearly enough dinosaurs, trolls, or rocket-ships for this to be on the Sci-fi channel. All kneel before my superior logic.
Lets check them out.
Who Wants To Be A Superhero? 5/5 “head-ons”
Ok, so this one has already happened. Nevermind that there were two seasons. The whole idea of this show is baffling to me. Listen: you’re not a superhero, you can’t be a superhero, superheros don’t exist. Get off the geekwagon and get a job. With superheros like “Cell Phone Girl,” “Fat Mamma,” and “Mr. Mitzvah” it’s not just reality that’s taken a major hit. If I was a superhero, I would be “Nerdophobe” and zealously purge humanity’s ranks of these people. If you’re feeling the need to escape reality so bad, let me give you a quick ticket to the land of fairies and rainbows.
Comic book nerds I can stand (I’m a little nerdy myself), but this is an entirely new breed.
Estate of Panic!!!!! (exclamation points added for emphasis) 4/5 “head-ons”
It’s fear factor. We’ve seen it.
Cha$e!!!! (also emphasized) 4/5 “head-ons”
This game is a combination of Terminator 1-3 and tag, except the people chasing you down have fancy molded-plastic sunglasses. This make it look futuristic to some, or to the majority of people, borderline retarded.
Contestants run through an abandoned warehouse area, and are given tools (sunglasses that make them invisible??) to keep from being caught by the “hunters,” which are people that act like robots (because killer robots do not actually exist). The exit point opens up at the end of the game, and the first person in wins money. This show could have been adapted to any channel, but for some reason Scifi picked it up and probably added all the “futuristic” ideas. Avoid at all costs.
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I explain:
Scifi is for killer space zombie dragons that live under the sea. Not for this garbage. Put this shit on FOX.
Slate beat me to it.